Compliments of Eileen
Fall 2003
Clare’s Cottage Cordova, Illinois
Did you know that rivers were America’s first transportation highways, and that the Mississippi River was one of its major arteries? It transported goods long before the towboats and barges of today. The barge era began with the coming of the steamboats in the mid 19th century.* Indeed, I will ponder and enjoy this river as I reside here a few days each month during my second discernment year in the Novitiate.
The Mighty Mississippi River just keeps rolling along at my preferred clip. During the day, I see occasional speed boats and jet skiers mirroring the bulk speed of our society — fast. A vast majority of our civilization is in a hurry. Perhaps a secret contest is in the mix for those who can walk and talk the fastest, or for those who gab the longest or walk the furthest. If so, I missed the boat.
On the other hand, barges and their towboats huddle along the edges, moving at a speed of five miles an hour. At night, a methodical, full-toned beat of the towboat’s diesel engines, pushing from behind the double row of ten or more barges, is heard long before seen. The barges have little, if any light, in direct contrast to their well-lit towboats that have powerful flood lights used to scan the river’s boundaries. Their slow passage, accompanied by a deep-seated, almost palpable sound of drumming, emulates the atmosphere of a retreat. My thoughts echo my current stance in life — a slowing down, a reflective nature … seeking wisdom.
Saints Francis and Clare of Assisi**
Saint Clare of Assisi
Clare’s Cottage is owned by the Franciscan Sisters of Clinton, Iowa (just across the river), used as a place of retreat for the Sisters and their families, plus friends and associates of their order, such as myself. The community dubbed it Saint Clare who was one of the first followers of Saint Francis. Inspired by his words, Clare fled her affluent home and joined Francis, establishing her own contemplative religious order. The group became known for its austere and devout lifestyle and for the power of their prayer, which is credited with twice saving Assisi from invaders.
Fear
Be that as it may, tethered to this serene atmosphere is my fear of the dark. Residing alone at Clare Cottage brings forth those terrors. Such trauma accompanied me throughout my childhood. I grew into a very sensitive person as my older brother scared me for fun. I buried these fears inside, withdrawing from family, living alone. Today, when I find myself alone and a bit apprehensive, those feelings rear their heads.
Although this space is peaceful, my fantasy runs the gambit of scary “what-ifs” during the night. I feared most basements as a child, and this one lends a fear of its own. Several of us slept in it once, despite the mildew smell and lack of lighting. I at once canvased it upon arriving this time, with the hope that facing it would alleviate my restlessness. Instead, such angst generated a dream.
Dream
… stopped in the kitchen at the top of the basement steps and peering down, I observe a bright light deep into the bowels of the boundless space where previously it had been dark … I rivet myself there and call loudly for Sister LaVern to come quickly … I say “WE NEED TO CHECK THIS PLACE OUT NOW!!” … I call several times before she comes … I couldn’t go down without her … once she showed up, we slowly made our way inward …
The dream was hopeful in that I called for help and was accompanied into the great abyss, and even into the deepest crevice that now glows. The emotions of my reverie moved from fear, to urgency, to apprehension, to astonishment when I “saw the light!” I gain new insights, and perhaps now I’ll have a newfound trust in going “deeper” into myself because I am accompanied by a new strength of luminous energy.
Peace
Once again, I am at peace having faced my fears, and having decided to stay where I am another year. In sharing this with my counselor, she repeats the word “trauma” often — trauma of being frightened as a child, having no one to tell or who would listen to me. Currently, I am aware of another energy in me — self-assurance.
Future
I continue to teeter-totter on my perception of religious vows. I can almost feel a power holding me back, pulling on my reigns. I’d prefer not having doubts about moving forward because I believe this is my destiny, my call. Still, I must pay attention to these feelings of restraint, bless them, and give them freedom to speak.
On the other hand, gaining this time and space to do interior work is perhaps where God is calling me. I continue to learn to live in the present, to let go of future ambiguity, and to trust in the journey.
Patricia A Griffin 